my letter to yourself.
"surrender is the greatest form of being in control."
that's the quote that kept me sane in the months of tremendous, gut wrenching, heart thumping, throat drying moments of uncertainty where every passing hour seemed to be closing in on me like a closing wall, when every cause of my action was directed towards the maddening, tightening marathon in a loop emboldening it taking me seconds away from tearing that page by circling around spaces, by walking on the same tiles, by scratching the same part on my neck that cracks and screeches every time i look at something that i am not supposed to be looking at the given moment in the time, every thought that i am not supposed to be thinking about at the time.
the realization of your reality hits you when you witness it in an unfamiliar situation. the importance of dissociating in a time bound manner like a manager on a deadline paid to nitpick the worst and the absolute smidgest of a stain on your character is what you aspire to do in that period.
Do not get me wrong, this is different from the unsatisfied grunts and grumbles you mumble in the four corners of your mind, different from the incessant chatter that runs and refuses to stop, no. that one is an autonomous entity residing in your house and pretending to like you like that tenant who has to be nice to his neighbors so that they might just let him keep his house keys with them. that entity has no business living there but you just let it at this point, because its better to have someone think about you than just float around like a blob of consciousness around other blobs pretending to have time of their lives.
so my only wannabe piece of repeated neuron firing advice would be to let it go. whatever it is that your tired, sweaty, cold palms and burning, cramped out, nerve boiling arms are holding on to. what do you lose when you let loose? just give it some space to occupy its own space and both of you can just look at each other, indicate a time out and pant and heave and sweat and catch your breaths. just catch the rhythm of each other's gaze, let it soften, yours just a bit more, let the emotions sit and simmer. maybe hold hands, cry a bit more. because you get stronger in weak moments.
the inadvertent reflex is going to be, if you're anything like me, the first hurdle, embracing the false sense of un-easing, uncomfortable, uncoiling, unwinding, like the uncontrollable spinning of a fishing rod handle, its relieving but you would want to understand the underlying mechanics of your anatomy, every hormone spike, every heart beat, every gurgle of your stomach, every nerve ending firing a spasm to your brain. its a tough one to overcome, i never said its going to be easy, nothing ever is, except breathing. that is easy.
sitting back and watching takes practice. its cathartic, but as they say, the only way out is in. so go all in. face it whatever it is, because it passes. it is bound to pass. good, bad, better, worse. everything passes.