painfully aware
there is this absurd quality
that i contain within myself
that cannot find its way out of me
and does not feel at home within me.
its not fun being aware all the time.
i am aware
when your eyes widen even a miniscule cm
or when you take a deep breath
aware when you look my way
when you look away
when you try not to smile
and when you cough to hide it
aware when your eyes find me
when i'm not looking your way
i'm so painfully aware
i cannot help it
its a curse.
also kind of a super power.
its fun until its not.
it gets boring too soon.
until you do something that
catches me off guard
makes me question my abilities and capabilities all over again
and again and again.